Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Almost 2 weeks, and an identity crisis

It's been almost 2 weeks since Maya started school.  The top 3 questions that I've gotten over the past 2 weeks are:

How does Maya like school?
She loves school and her classmates . . . yesterday in her communication notebook the teacher wrote that she knows the names of the other kids in her class and likes to give everybody hugs*.  How freaking cute is that?

* I feel for the hug-ees in this situation since, due to balance issues, I imagine that Maya's "big hugs" are more like tackles.  But tackles of love.

How does Maya like the bus?
She has a love/hate relationship with the bus . . . she wiggles and smiles when it pulls up, silently gets handed over, and sometimes starts to cry as she gets buckled in  and pulls away :(  Her bus ride is long (over an hour) and I hate to think of her sometimes crying (which is not always happening, but sometimes).  I wish I could convince her to sleep on the bus----it would help with the biggest challenge we have right now-exhaustion.  The girl is overtired and heading to bed around 6:15.  It's like we barely see her . . .but we don't keep her up later because we know that the more sleep she gets, the less time she'll spend crying (from overtiredness) tomorrow.

So, now that she's in school, what are you doing during the day?
Um . . . good question.

First, there's the mundane---laundry, cooking, cleaning.  Some deep cleaning (although an allergy flare up has forced me to postpone some bigger projects).  I've read almost 3 books.  I run errands.  I've seen a bunch of doctors, just for me---I can't remember the last time I took the time for check-ups (eyes, internists, dermatologist, gyn---I'm fit as a fiddle!).  I walk Parker.  I spend a lot of time answering emails, especially talking to Maya's teacher and new therapists.  I think about projects that I might do for her, or with her, but I haven't gotten around to actually doing anything yet.

Then, there's the identity crisis.  I can lose a lot of time sitting in silence and thinking about what I should be doing with my time.  I haven't found any part-time job that would work.  I write lists of things that I want to blog about.  I seriously consider whether I could write a book.  I wander around the apartment, picking up a sweatshirt here, or mopping a floor there, and think and think and think about what I'm doing and what I should be doing and how to use my time.

Weirdly, I am trapped in the apartment by my subconscious mind.  I've spent 2 years firmly tethered to it, with rounds of therapists arriving at different times.  I'm used to staying quiet when Maya isn't here----because it used to be that if she wasn't with me, she was napping.  I keep thinking she's napping.  The phone rings and I rush to get it before it can wake her up.  I don't feel free to leave.  I walk briskly to the grocery store, shop, and walk briskly back again.  Taking the laptop to Starbucks for a few hours last week was bizarrely liberating. 

I'm sure that I'll find my footing, but for now I'm still in a little twilight zone.  It feels strange (and probably unhealthy) that I can easily go from 7:15-3:15 without speaking a word.  I play classical music, I do small projects, and I think.  And think.  And think.  I'm a bit lost in my own head.

Having so much time suddenly is nice, in some ways, but I find myself searching for a purpose.  Household maintenance, special needs/medical paperwork, and projects for Maya are all good to do, and I can easily fill my days "getting things done", but I'm searching for something bigger.  I miss teaching, but I don't have the time.  I have grown a love for writing, and think about trying to work at writing and possibly try to write "for real" (like, articles to submit somewhere, or a book) but get lost in thought about how to go about it.

I'm spinning my wheels, but not getting anywhere. 

Yet.

And while I guess I'm feeling a little weighed down at the moment, I rest assured in the knowledge that it's temporary.  I'll find a path and start to pursue it, but it's going to take a bit more time.

4 comments:

babytjader said...

You should definitely write a book. As someone who gets paid to write .... I can say with some confidence that YOU CAN DO IT! Thank you for sharing your family with us.

rocketmommy said...

I totally agree! I definitely think you should write a book. Look how well Amsterdam International did! I think you could be a voice (and help them find their own too) for so many other parents out there. =)

Cindy D. said...

I agree with the book writing idea !! As for school days?? It seems that we do the same thing, I am stuck in the same place, now that Jacob is off to preschool, also with an hour ride each way, I feel the same way that you do, they should have a "parents transition group" or something to help us re-learn what it's like to not run to therapies ect, how to just be alone again or something !! The silence in my houswe is driving me crazy!LOL

Anonymous said...

Time for #2 perhaps... ;)
Xx