This isn't what (I thought) I wanted

Tomorrow Dave goes back to work, and a week from tomorrow the students return.  There's definitely a part of me that wishes I was going with him . . . I like getting up early, talking with the other staff (I <3 the KIPP family), being in brainstorming sessions and having philosophical this-is-what-we-want-our-school-to-be-like meetings.  Planning, photocopies, planning, organizing, planning . . . I like the excitement and busy-ness, the sense of new beginnings, that comes with the start of a new year.

But tomorrow I won't be there.  I'll be home, with Maya.  One therapy (OT) here in the morning, followed by a drive in Manhattan for therapy #2 (speech & feeding).  I have two appointments for Maya (ENT & developmental pediatrician) that need to be scheduled, a prescription to pick up at her pediatrician's office, and I have to schedule Parker's vet evaluation for his therapy certificate (classes start Sept 12!).  I have papers to sign and fax to get the agency for Maya's speech & feeding therapy agency changed, again, and will then be a thorn in the coordinator's side until I know that it's done.  The car will need to be moved (alternate side, ugh) and the dog walked.  Cleaning out the house will continue, and various projects will be done.  I'll think about things to blog about (and probably forget them).  I'll be hoping that Maya's croup-iness subsides, and that I won't need to take her in to see the pediatrician.  Maybe we'll have time to hit the playground before the first therapy, maybe not. 

I wasn't the stay at home mom type.

I worked for the first year after Maya was born, and stopped only because of her special needs.  It was nearly impossible to coordinate appointments, arguing with doctor's offices and navigating through the Early Intervention process, from school.  Once therapies were seriously starting, it was hard for me to keep up with what was going on, and the grading and planning that had to be done at home were overwhelming.  I was barely keeping my head above water.

But I really didn't want to leave work.

Like it was yesterday, I can remember sitting in the meeting when I would announce to my team that I wouldn't be returning, and I still couldn't get through it without tearing up.  "This isn't what I want to do, but it's what needs to be done, for now", I said.  And at that point I kind of thought that I would only need to leave for a year---study the therapists, help Maya catch up on her milestones, and bam, I'd be right back. No problem.

Not quite.

So as the back to school buzz crescendos this week, there's a part of me that is bitterly wistful, that's very "Hey!  What about me?  I want to be there too! I was a good teacher!  Don't forget me!"

And this isn't to say that working out of the home is better than being a stay at home mom, and it's not to say that staying at home is better than working.  It's just to paint the picture of how much I loved my work.

If you asked me 3 years ago if I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I would have said no.

But, as it turns out, I love staying at home with Maya too.  I like playing with her, the playground is fun, it's fun to watch her discover new things (like the decks of cards that she's totally obsessed with now, or her crush on Elmo) and make new sounds (da-da-da and nananana).  I love working with her and Parker, and drawing at the table.  I love the way she makes me laugh, like today when she decided that she needed some iced coffee, just like dad & mom:

If you asked me 3 years ago if I wanted to be a mom to a child with special needs, I would have said no.

But therapies are just a normal part of our days now, and the therapists have become the friends that I really chat with throughout the day (other than my sister).  I love the way they all love Maya, and she makes them laugh, and I like learning from them.  The appointments can be downers, but we make the best of them by choosing really amazing doctors and taking pictures, and videos. 

Without special needs, I wouldn't know about the amazing parents in the special needs world, the women in the support group that I've met. 

Without special needs, I might have missed celebrating all of the little things (like new sounds).  I'm apathetic by nature, and I might have just "yep, she makes noise.  kids make noise.  whoop-de-doo"-d right past it all.

Without special needs, we wouldn't have Parker.  And his therapy classes start in September . . . who knows where that volunteer work will lead.

This isn't what I thought I wanted . . . but I'm so happy where I am.   A few months ago things were pretty dark, and I wondered about how people come to terms with parenting their children with special needs---how to get past the sadness, the mourning, the wishing-things-were-different.

But I'm past it.  For now, anyway.  I know it's cyclical, and I know sadness will creep in from time to time (sometimes in a crushing way).  But for a while now, it's just been good.

So, KIPP family (and teacher folks in general), I'll miss you all tomorrow, and I'll miss being a part of the energy.  But I wouldn't trade places with any of you, either :)


(PS---Happy 1st day of Kindergarten tomorrow to my nephew Collin!)

Two days in pictures, with no transitions between stories, and the worst and longest title ever

So, folks asked about the flier that I mentioned hanging around the neighborhood. I'd love to share it because I got so many responses! The title was "Young neighborhood mom seeks companionship" and no sooner did I hang it up than the emails started pouring in.

:)

Ok, for real, here it is (at Starbucks):

("Attention Parents of Kids with special needs" is the title)

Speaking of Starbucks, you may have noticed that you can see a giant Starbucks cup in almost all of my stroller pictures. That's a reusable iced coffee cup, and we make the coffee at home. I'm not buying coffee (and disposing of plastic cups) everyday. Here's Maya, and my cup, at the dog run:

Playing with the new camera has taught me about angles. Here she looks like she's at a park in the middle of a big city:

While here she could be swinging in a much smaller town

But really, there's just one big skinny building, and the shots were a few seconds apart.

Around 7:25 every night, we say "Maya, do you want to watch "Baby Signing Time?" And she does this:

Everyday I wear 3 rings. Last night I made pizza, and before I started kneading the dough I threw the rings in an empty baby food container. This morning when I went to put them on, I found a fourth. One of these things is not like the other . . . (Dave made it pre-work)

Maya tried to feed it a veggie stick.

We're working on veggie sticks in feeding therapy. She wants to do it all by herself (which has varying degrees of success).

While I made her breakfast, she went to work unfolding the laundry:

And she subtly tells me to put the camera away.

(An aside: A few posts back, I mentioned my "throw yourself into the universe" theory (henceforth TYITU), but I haven't had time to extrapolate at all. Way back when I wrote about the not knowing, a few interesting things happened. 1. I was forwarded an article from the Wall Street Journal about a family dealing with a lack of diagnosis for their son, and it brought to light how many people in the country struggle in that limbo situation. 2. In line with TYITU, I emailed the author of the article 3. She responded and pointed me towards an actual organization solely for families of kids who don't have diagnoses (SWAN . . . "syndromes without a name"). That's what the "swan" tag on some of my posts stands for.)

We get by with a little help from our friends . . .*

That's nearly been the mantra this week. I wish I had pictures for each day, but . .. eh. Here was our social calendar this week:

-Wednesday (St. Patrick's Day) morning with Sarita & baby Olivia (complete with fresh baked Irish soda bread & coffee cake , c/o my best baking friend)
-Thursday morning: playground playdate & brunch with my folks (pics from Grandma)

-Thursday afternoon: playground playdate with Cathy, Fernanda & Wendy (see pic on my last post)
-Friday evening: steakhouse celebration with Dave's folks, and Uncle Alan, Aunt Lori, & cousins Brooke & Sammy
-Saturday: lunch & playground date with Aunt Lisa, Uncle Jason, Collin & Emerson
-Sunday: brunch with Whitney &  Craig (by the way guys, we got the camera!)

It might look busy, but it was fantastic. I'm operating under a throw-yourself-out-into-the-universe philosophy (yeah, yeah, insert eye roll here). But seriously . . . the weather is getting warm. We have a very heavy therapy schedule (getting busier as we add 2 weekly trips into the city this week for private feeding & speech therapy), and we (or I) need to socialize. And I feel little sparks of possibility as I push myself out of my comfort zone. So I've (literally) posted fliers in the neighborhood, thrown things up on message boards, and am reaching out to old friends for contact. Do you live nearby? We'd love to meet up. For real. Don't be shy :)

Also this week, Maya got a (home-made) license plate:

And learned that shadows are mysterious and elusive:

And she's a monkey at the playground, climbing climbing climbing. I'm trying to get a good video, stay tuned.